There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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