I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
