I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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