Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
