I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
