considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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