we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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