Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
