I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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