last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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