Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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