I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
