I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
