Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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