I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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