I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
as a side note pls kill me
You ruined the universe
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
