I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
