Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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