Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
