Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
