he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
