I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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