kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
