life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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