remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
