This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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