You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Your cock deserves a montage
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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