I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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