There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Houston, we have a squirter
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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