My Higher Power is John Stamos
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
