tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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