I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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