it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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