I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
