if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
