I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
