I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
