I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
