he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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