absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
