My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I think i got beer on your cat.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
