Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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