Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
