he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
