Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
