i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
