i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
