so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
