I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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