when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
